My daughter has completed three cycles of chemotherapy, after two cycles of chemo that did absolutely nothing but make her incredibly sick. She had a scan a couple of weeks ago and the results were encouraging. The tumor in her lung has been considerably reduced in size. We are all thankful for a little bit of good news. She will have at least one more cycle of chemotherapy before another scan, which will hopefully show more reduction in the tumor.
While we waited for the results of the scan she attended the OMG Stupid Cancer Summit in Las Vegas. Stupidcancer.org is dedicated to serving the needs of young adults with cancer. Young people who are diagnosed with cancer face some unique issues - loss of fertility, having young children to care for while in treatment - among others. This is her second time attending. Last year she came home from the conference saying that it was a life changing experience. Being with several hundred other young people who are dealing with cancer was so good for her. My daughter thinks that even though I have cancer I "don't really get it." I beg to differ.
I understand arrogance of youth; the terminal uniqueness that begins when you are a teenager. The feeling that nobody understands you, your problems are worse than those of anyone else, your parents are clueless. What the young don't get is that no matter how old you are, inside you are still that young adult with hopes and plans for your life. That you want to live a lot longer even when you are over forty. That emotions have no age limit. We all feel the same things when faced with the kind of adversity that cancer brings into your life.
I feel fear - that I my daughter will die and I will be faced with raising her children. I am afraid that I will die from this disease and then what will happen to them? I am afraid of the effects that these chemicals are having on me. I am afraid of more surgery and radiation and the effects of that on my already ravaged body.
I feel frustrated by the fact that my dreams for these later years of my life have been sidelined because of the things that have interfered with those plans. I am frustrated with having to care for a three year old and a teenage grandson who has a developing case of "I know it all and you are clueless Mamaw." I feel frustrated with my inability to do much more than take a nap.
I feel sadness that my sexuality has been forever altered by the way that I have been carved up and poisoned to the point that I am reluctant to have my husband touch or look at the results. I am sad that my grandchildren have to watch their mother and grandmother go through this. I am sad because I am older, and I don't have as much time to fully recover from this ordeal as I would have twenty years ago.
Most of all I am angry. I am filled with anger at the shitty karmic hand I have been dealt. At the drug companies that are profiting from my treatments. At the way we have poisoned our environment and contributed to the rise in cancers of all kinds. I mostly direct this anger at that ornery grandson and our dogs whose barking drives me to distraction.
I also feel hope and gratitude. Hope that these treatments will give us all more time together. Hope that I can overcome the anger and fear. Hope that love will win out in the end. Gratitude for all of the love and support and important life lessons that are revealed by a cancer diagnosis.
And for you youngsters who think that I don't get it you are so wrong. I get it. Cancer is stupid no matter how old you are.
