Chemo Brain

It's a real thing. The mental fog, confusion and memory loss that can accompany treatment for cancer. Patients have known it for years, but medical professionals have only recently studied the phenomenon in an attempt to explain it. It's my explanation for the fact that I have not written in over a month. I have thought about writing, but the ability to follow through and actually sit down at the computer and form an intelligent sentence has eluded me. Even now I am not sure if I am able to pull together the thoughts that have been swirling around in my brain.

In the last few weeks I have had conversations with family members that I do not recall. I struggle to remember what day it is. I have played word games in an attempt to keep my mind sharp, but I don't know how much it helps. I like to think of myself as a fairly intelligent person, and it is quite disconcerting to feel so slow and inept. A friend told me once that we cannot take pride in our looks or intelligence, as it is a result of having the blind luck to fall into the deep end of the gene pool. I am humbled by the way that chemotherapy has knocked me off my high horse.

My daughter has told me that she loses days at a time while having chemo, and I know for a fact that she has done things while on chemo that she has no recollection of. Like the time she did some online shopping while at the hospital receiving her infusions. When the things started to arrive in the mail she was pleasantly surprised, as she did not remember ordering much of it. I am hoping I have not rashly spent any money that I cannot account for.

I truly hope that I will regain my ability to form a coherent thought without a struggle. My snappy comebacks are a defense mechanism that has sustained me throughout my life, and I don't have a lot of other tools to work with. My energy level is at an all time low, and I want to believe that as my energy returns (as my doctor has assured me that it will even though I feel like I'll be a couch potato forever) that my mind will recover as well. If not, I apologize for whatever inane or unintelligible drivel I may have to say.