Miracles

When my daughter was first diagnosed with cancer I was consumed with fear. The statistics for long term survival were grim, and I could not fathom losing my child. After the first few days and weeks of shock, anger and denial I began to wake up each morning and consciously think "I expect a miracle." I knew we needed a miracle for her to stay with us. After a while I thought maybe I should be more specific. I mean really, we did not need a virgin birth or to feed a multitude with five loaves and two fish, or even a barrel of water miraculously turned to wine. But I just kept expecting a miracle, leaving the details to the universe.

As I have said before, I do not consider myself to be a Christian, and I always say that I am not religious, but that's not entirely true. I religiously attend a program of recovery and practice the tools of that program to the best of my ability. I do believe in miracles because I have witnessed them. They are not the big Walk on Water kind that you read about in the bible. They are the quiet miracles that happen every day if we are just able to recognize them, like witnessing the birth of a new baby, or seeing the seeds planted weeks ago sprout up through the soil, or watching someone who seemed beyond hope turn their life around.

In spite of the horror of cancer I have in fact seen many miracles. The fact that my daughter is still here today is the biggest miracle in my eyes. After that come the many ways that we have been shown how much goodness there is in the world. Friends, neighbors and complete strangers reach out their hands and hearts, hoping to relieve just a little bit of the burden and the burden is lessened. It is a miracle to me that I have been able to move beyond the paralyzing fear to a quiet acceptance of the reality of the situation.

After six weeks of agonizing chemotherapy the tumor in my daughter’s lung has continued to grow. Next week she will start receiving a different drug; one that she was given two years ago, in the hope that it will be effective again. I will continue to wake up each morning expecting a miracle.