Biopsy Results

The waiting is shear torture. I am a pretty patient person, but at a certain point my ability to allow things to unfold in their own time without any urging from me comes to an end. Like when it's the day after I hoped to hear some news. The doctor told us that she usually knows the results of the biopsy by Tuesday. Well it is now Wednesday afternoon. A nurse called a while ago and to confirm my appointment for 8:00 tomorrow morning. I asked if the doctor had the results yet. She said that the report was on her desk. I asked if someone could let me know the results. The nurse said that she would ask the doctor to “sign off” on the report so that someone could let me know.

So I wait some more. I am trying to keep busy. Helping my grandson with his homework, which is a kind of torture in itself. Having a tea party with my granddaughter, her two babies and the dogs. There is some comic relief to be had with a three and a half year old in the house. At one point she put her baby doll in time out because she put too much chapstick on herself. I suspect the doll had some help, possibly from one of the dogs. I knit an entire chemo cap this morning, one of several that I hope donate to the cancer center. As I knit, knit, knit I think about the possibility that I will need this little warm cap and how nice it will look with my brown corduroy jacket.

Don’t they realize that I am desperate for some news? That I am on the verge of snapping the head off the next family member (a.k.a. grandchild) who gives me any shit? That at any given moment I might just stab myself with a knitting needle and end the misery? I am sure they do realize, and I know that I am not the only woman waiting for news. But I am the only woman in this house who is waiting, and it’s so very hard to take things one minute at a time. I have carried my phone with me all day, repeatedly checking to make sure that the volume is up and that I did not somehow miss a call. I tried to take a nap but could not fall asleep, so I am going to start knitting another hat. Maybe in a nice spring green.

Okay, so after three hours the nurse called back. Two lymph nodes positive for cancer and unclear margins on one side. Tomorrow we will talk about more surgery and appointments with radiation and medical oncology. Dammit all to hell.