So I spent the rest of yesterday wallowing in my own misery and despair. After crying a lot with my husband and calling my kids and closest friends I went to my granddaughters preschool open house and then to a meeting. There is something remarkable that happens when I sit down with a group of people and we talk about our fears. I am reminded that fear is an illusion, that I have all the tools I need to deal with whatever I am faced with if I just choose use them. I called my cousin and we sobbed and then laughed hysterically because it is all just too fucking ridiculous.
I saw the surgeon this morning. She removed some bandages and examined my incisions. Nothing remarkable there. Then she pulled out the pathology report and began to explain the results. During my surgery eight lymph nodes were removed and two tested positive for cancer cells. The margins of the tissue she removed from the left breast were not entirely free from cancer cells. Because of this she has scheduled me for a return to the operating room next Thursday. She will remove more tissue to ensure that there are no cancer cells remaining at the margins. Some more big words were thrown around, the gist of which were that my cancer is stage two, meaning that the tumor is 2 cm or smaller and it has spread from the initial tumor into 1-3 axillary lymph nodes.
Because cancer was found in two nodes, the recommendation for follow up chemotherapy is stronger. I have an appointment on Monday with a medical oncologist. The surgeon explained that he will discuss the different drugs that will best target this cancer. I have another appointment with a radiation oncologist the following week to discuss radiation treatments which will be done after the chemotherapy is concluded.
After my appointment we went to the local mega bookstore to find a book on dealing with breast cancer. Among the eighty seven million cookbooks, vampire chronicles and biographies of "reality" show stars, there was less than half a shelf of books on cancer. None of them were what I was looking for. I thought surely there must be another section that I had missed. I asked a sales clerk who told me that they don't have many requests for books on cancer so they aren't given much shelf space. I find that hard to believe when literally everyone I talk to has cancer or knows several people who do.
I am not sure why I feel a little more confident that I will have a good outcome after talking to the surgeon. This may not actually be the thing that is going to kill me, although after seeing what my daughter is going through with chemotherapy I may wish I am dead before it is over.
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