I Am Not As Strong As You Think I Am

I hear this over and over - "You are so strong, you will get through this." Or some other words to that effect. And I wonder, what exactly does that mean? What is it about me that makes people think that I am so strong? Is it because I am still walking and talking after every other thing I have been through, or because I get out of bed every day and take a shower and comb my hair? Does the fact that I have not lain down in the back forty and let myself slowly freeze to death somehow convey to people that I am more able than the average human female to handle the crap that has befallen me? Or is it just because I am not drinking or drugging in a vain effort to ward off the despair?

Well, let me tell you, I am not as strong as you think I am. I am on the verge of tears most of the time. I wake up in the morning and lay there for quite a long time trying to think of a way that I can just stay there all day. I have a very difficult time following a casual conversation because it all just seems so pointless. It is only through sheer force of habit that I shower and brush my teeth. I feel like the walking wounded and wonder why no one has thought to find a gurney to lash me to. I do not feel strong. I feel vulnerable and afraid and overwhelmingly exhausted.

I learned a long time ago that feelings are not facts, so maybe it's true that my ability to go on in spite of how I am feeling is a sign of some strength. Maybe strength is somehow tied to flexibility, to the way that we bend with the force of the bitter winds that threaten to break us. Perhaps strength is just a word that we use because we can't stand to think that we or someone we love will fold under the pressures of life.

So I wonder, if I am strong, where does that strength come from? A friend gave me a card today with a bible verse written inside - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - Philippians 4:13. Though I do not consider myself a Christian, I do like that verse. I believe in a power greater than myself, a force for good in the universe. I have spent many years learning to trust in the power of good, the goodness in those who reach out to me when I am in need. I see and feel "God" in everyone around me, and it is by getting out of bed, by turning away from the loneliness that makes me believe that I am unable to carry on, by reaching out to others that I gain strength. A burden shared is a burden cut in half, and I am strengthened by opening myself to the loving goodness of others. When I sit for a cup of tea with a friend and talk about the mundane details of life I gain strength to deal with the not so mundane details of life. When I write about the things I am experiencing I allow some of the burden to fall away from me.
You know how they say that there is strength in numbers? Well, when I stand in a room full of people, holding hands and saying a closing prayer, or see the counter at the bottom of this page that tells me how many are reading my words and following my story, I feel the strength of each of you filling me up so that I can go on for another day.