Hope

I am having surgery in two days. The surgeon is going to invade my body in ways that I do not like to think about. I am trying to prepare myself mentally, spiritually and physically for what is to come. I have been drinking copious amounts of water so that I will be well hydrated. Napping every day has become a necessary ritual. Talking to my close friends about the stress I feel helps to ease the fear.

Someone told me once that it's easy to feel serene when you are in a closet all by yourself, but throw some people and situations into that closet and all hell breaks loose. I am not in a closet alone. There are people and animals and really crappy situations in my closet with me. All of which challenge me when I try to take care of myself. I'd really like to sneak out of this closet and go lay on a sandy beach somewhere and pretend that I am someone else. When I hear about identity theft on the news I think please, someone steal my identity and all that goes with it.

I was at a meeting recently where the topic of discussion was hope. Part of what I need to do to care for myself is to find a way to hang on to hope. I hope that the lymph nodes show no sign of cancer when biopsied. I hope that I am not in too much pain after surgery and that I will not be nauseous from the anesthetic. I have been told by others who have had breast surgery that it may be hard to sleep on my side or stomach. I hope I will be able to sleep. All of these small wishes pale in comparison to the things that I hope for my daughter. I hope the chemotherapy that is nearly killing her is actually working to prolong her life. I hope that she can tolerate the next cycle better than the current one. I hope that we can all work together to take care of her children during this godawful ordeal.

I know that there is always hope, even when things seem to be going horribly awry. Two and a half years ago the chances that my daughter would be here today were pretty slim according to statistics. I have survived many other trials. I have learned to trust the process which takes me through the pain and fear to the goodness on the other side. In spite of my past experience, as I look out my window at the frigid grayscale landscape it is difficult to feel hope. Then I remember that underneath the deep blanket of snow lies the promise of Spring.