Good Grief

So, it's pretty exhausting trying to process everything that has happened over the last few weeks. Grieving is a messy, tiring business, and I am definitely grieving. Grieving the loss of my invincibility, the loss of youthful good health, the loss of actual pieces of me. I shuffle back and forth between denial and anger - this can't be happening to me, I'll ignore it and it will go away and then it's just too fucking fucked up. Then I fall into depression - I just want to sleep. I haven't quite figured out how to bargain this away yet. I have moments of acceptance then go back to the anger or depression.

I have gotten a lot of phone calls, some I answer and some I do not. I let them go to voice mail because I just cannot talk about it for one more minute. I call people back when I feel a little more able to handle my own emotions along with theirs. My friends and family are all grieving with me and it can be like a giant sinkhole of emotion at times. I find myself being angry or hurt by the way that some people react or the things that they say (or don't say). Then I realize that I have to cut everybody some slack, especially myself, because we are all doing the best that we can in a shitty situation.

I learn over and over how important it is to take care of myself. When you spend your life taking care of other people, and animals, and situations, it can be very difficult to put your own needs first. I know that if I don't take care of myself I have nothing to give to anyone else. So this seems like one of the ultimate lessons in self care. I need to rest a lot. I need to eat especially well. I need to talk to the people who can listen to all of my insanity without judging or trying to fix me. I need to do fun things and laugh whenever possible. And evidently I need to keep writing.