Reactions

It is incredibly interesting to observe the various reactions of people when they learn that you have cancer. I have heard "Oh my God" countless times. "I can't believe this" is a close second. One friend, after hearing the details of my cancer launched into a litany of her own ailments and I thought, "Really, your allergies are acting up? I'm so sorry to hear that." Several people assured me that I wasn't going to die. I hadn't really thought that I was until they mentioned it. Some relay their kind thoughts via family members, as in "tell her I am thinking about/praying for/love her. I have had many e-mails, the best ones make me laugh, like the friend who told of a rather botched attempt to comfort a friend, and let me know that if I needed that kind of help she was my gal. Men seem to have a harder time responding, but one male friend called and said "my heart is broken and I love you." Another called and said "I have not called because I don't know what to say, but I love you and you are a dear friend." See, he did know what to say.

Everyone says "what can I do?" Many want to offer advice, some of which is helpful, some is not. Those who have had cancer themselves always let me know that if I need to talk they are available. One friend saw me in the grocery store and just walked up and put her arms around me. Another friend came and dusted and vacuumed up the massive amounts of dog hair in my family room.

The worst response is none at all. Even though I know that it is probably because they just don't know what to say, it feels like they don't care. And then I remember that I have been guilty of the same thing, not calling because I have no words or don't want to intrude on their suffering. I remember when my mother passed away and a friend came over wanting to know what my plans were for a group that we worked together with. I asked "You do know my mother just died, don't you?" "Yes" she said. That was it.

As I listen and watch others respond, I have come to believe that we all react based on our own past experiences, or from our own fears. Our compassion gets all jumbled up with our anger and denial. We want to reach out and sometimes just cannot do it. We are all afraid.

Many times I hear people ask "why?" Why do all of these terrible things happen? I think they happen to bring us together. Tragedy allows us to see the good in others, it provides opportunities for us to give unselfishly. We find ways to share and love because that is all we can do in the face of senseless events. We are reminded that we are all one and that love is always the answer.